Being Concise: How To Do It
What is a concise sentence?
A concise sentence is a short sentence.
How can you keep your sentences short?
Look at the long sentence below and try to make it
shorter. Write your revision on a piece of paper.
"For your information please
be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form
were sent to you on 20 April."
Suggested revision:
"I would like to advise you
of the details.
We sent you the Phone
Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
Take a moment to compare your own revision with the one
above.
How are the two revisions similar? How are they
different?
In the revision above, three strategies were used to make
the original sentence shorter.
To write concise sentences
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write only
the necessary words
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write only
one idea in each sentence
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write only in
the active voice of the verb.
STRATEGY 1 - WRITE ONLY THE NECESSARY WORDS
The original sentence contains some unnecessary
words.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS)
details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
One phrase - "For your
information" - is unnecessary. Why? Because this phrase does not add any
meaning to the sentence. It only makes it longer. So, you can remove
it.
"Please be advised that the
Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20
April."
Actually, many unnecessary words are used in business
correspondence.
A common example is "forward planning". In this phrase,
"forward" is unnecessary. After all, does anyone ever plan
backwards?
Look at the 'wordy phrases' below. Remove the unnecessary
words to make the phrases more concise.
1) repeat again
2) small in size
3) cooperate together
4) for the purpose of
Answer: unnecessary words: again, in size, together, the
purpose of
STRATEGY 2 - ONE IDEA IN EACH SENTENCE
The original sentence actually has two main
ideas.
"Please
be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were
sent to you on 20 April."
There are two ideas in the sentence because there are two
main verbs in the sentence: "advise" and "sent".
So, you can separate the two main ideas - and the two
main verbs - into two sentences.
"I would like to advise you
of the details.
The Phone Payment Service
(PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Actually, you can separate the sentences into two
paragraphs. Do you know why?
You can use two paragraphs because
"to advise" is the
purpose of this letter, which is part of the "Opening" in the SOFAR
outline.
the fact that the application was sent belongs in the
"Facts" section.
Refer to Chapter 2 if you need more information about the
SOFAR outline.
A long sentence has more than one verb. You can make a
long sentence shorter by writing a separate sentence for each main verb in the
long sentence.
Remember: if you write long sentences, you create a
problem for your readers. They need to read the sentence several times in order
to understand it.
Recent research has shown that
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if your
sentence has 10 words or less, your reader will understand 98% of the message
after reading it once
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if your
sentence has 20 words or less, your reader will understand 75% of the message
after reading it once
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if your
sentence has more than 20 words, your reader will understand only 4% of the
message after reading it once (and will have to read it again and again and...
).
STRATEGY 3 - USE THE ACTIVE VOICE
The original sentence has now been revised as two
sentences.
The second sentence contains a verb in the passive
voice.
"The Phone
Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to
you on 20 April."
Usually, a verb in the passive voice uses more words. It
is also more difficult for the reader to understand. So, you can change the verb
from the passive to the active voice.
"We sent you the Phone
Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20
April."
In business correspondence, you should use the active
voice as much as possible.
However, there are some situations when it is more
suitable to use the passive voice.
Look at the six sentences below. They all contain a verb
in the passive voice. In three sentences, the verb should be changed to the
active voice. However, in the other three sentences, the verb should not be
changed.
Try to identify which three sentences should not be
changed.
1) Our manager was contacted by your office
yesterday.
2) Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.
3) Stopping payment of the cheques was considered by Mr
Smith.
4) Your request for an assistant was
approved.
5) The computer is now used by most staff for their
correspondence.
6) Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller
Machine.
Keys: 2), 4), 6)
In business writing, you should use the active voice of
the verb as much as possible.
However, you should use the passive voice of the verb in
three situations:
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the person
doing the action is not known
(Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last
week.)
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the person
doing the action is not important
( Your request for an assistant was
approved.)
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the person
doing the action shouldn't be blamed
(Your deposit was not made through the
Automated Teller Machine.)
Do the exercise below to practise revising sentences to
make them concise.
All of the sentences below can be made
shorter.
Rewrite the sentences to make them concise. You can split
the sentences if you like.
1) The cheque has not been received by us and if you want
to stop payment of it please sign and return the enclosed form. (24 words).
2) We have lowered interest rates with a view to
stimulating consumer spending. (12 words)
3) The revised insurance policy has been enclosed for
your reference and please contact us if you have any questions. (19 words)
4) It is the same and identical approach used by us last
year. (12 words)
Suggested revisions:
1) We have not received your cheque yet. To stop payment,
please sign and return the enclosed form. (17
words)
2) We have lowered interest rates to stimulate consumer
spending. (9 words)
3) We have enclosed the revised insurance policy. If you
have any questions, please call us on 2345-xxxx. (17
words)
4) We used the same approach last year. (7
words)
我們已經學會怎樣將商務信件寫得簡潔明了，但是這就足夠了嗎？請繼續關注下面的課程：怎樣將商務信件寫好。
（來源：中國物流論壇 實習生江巍 英語點津 Annabel 編輯）
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